Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: Season One
by Za Metallium
Summary: In which Za and the Slayers gang trounce her fics. Self-indulgence, weird biases, drunkeness, stupidity--and that's just commentary. Read at your own risk.
1. Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: Freed

Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: Freed

**Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: Freed**   
by [Za Metallium][1], Trickster Priestess 

  


  


(A pocket dimension, which basically consists of those weird backgrounds that appear from time to time during dramatic shots. Za sits before a keyboard and a disgustingly large—wide-screen tv large—monitor, tweaking the layout of slayfic.html for the umpteenth time.) 

ZEL: For someone whose writing is mediocre at best, you certainly spend a lot of time playing around with how you present it. 

(Za whirls around to find Zelgadiss and Lina looking at her, both with their arms crossed rather menacingly in front of their chests.) 

ZA: Hi, Lina. Hi, Zel-kun. What're you two doing here? 

ZEL: Revenge. 

ZA: Come again? 

LINA: Revenge. For how you mistreat Zel. You haven't been particularly nice to me of late, either. 

ZA: Is it my fault my sadistic side's been dominant recently? 

LINA & ZEL: Yes. 

ZA: (frowns) So...revenge. How? 

(Lina motions for Za to vacate her seat. The Trickster Priestess obliges, and Zel takes her spot. He types something, and an old email comes up:) 

_ > Subj: [slayfic] Freed (1/1) [dark]   
> Date:1/31/99 9:15:59 PM Central Standard Time   
> From:NuitCoeur@aol.com   
> To:zellinaxeros@listbot.com _

LINA: We're going to tell you just what we think of this story. 

ZA:....oboy. 

_> Slayers Fanatics! - http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Gulf/4007/index.html _

LINA: This was the cue for the reader to forget the rest of the email and go read some _good_ stuff at Sarah's page. 

> Just felt I should mention: I make use of a very lame plot   
> device in this story 

LINA: Like this is something new? 

> (you'll know it when you see it), so   
> please REALLY suspend your disbelief. 

ZEL: Again, like this is new? 

> __________   
> Freed   
>   
>   
> I hate her. 

ZEL: That pretty much sums up how I feel about Metallium. 

ZA: I love you, too, Stone Boy. 

> It's not as if I /want/ to hate her, but someone has to.   
> Everyone else loves her. Gourry-san, Xelloss-san, even   
> Zelgadiss-san.   
>   
> *Especially* Zelgadiss-san. 

ZA: What, no cute remark, Zel-kun? 

ZEL: (blushing) .... 

ZA: (smirks) Thought so. 

> She does it on purpose, I'm sure of it. Teasing them,   
> dangling them like puppets, keeping anyone else from   
> having a chance. Like she keeps Gourry-san from   
> poor Sheifyl-san. 

LINA: Nice fragments there. 

ZA: Okay, I have bad sentence structure, I admit it! 

LINA: And bad spelling. 

ZEL: And bad grammer. 

LINA: And— 

ZA: All right, already! 

> Like she keeps Zelgadiss-san from me. 

LINA: Pshaw, like Amelia could ever get Zel in the first place. 

ZA: (terribly depressed) I dunno. TPTB seem to think they make a good couple. 

(All three make disgusted gagging sounds, for once in total agreement.) 

> Like right now: she and Gourry-san and Zelgadiss-san are   
> close to the fire, speaking about something I can't quite   
> catch. They don't even seem to notice I'm gone. 

LINA: Of course we did, and we were enjoying every second of it. 

> This   
> isn't the first time this has happened. For a long time,   
> I had no idea why Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san could be   
> so unkind. 

ZEL: Perhaps because you're annoying, clingy, and obsessive? 

> I finally figured it out, though. Lina has bewitched them. 

LINA: Bewitched, huh? 

ZEL: That would be the lame plot device, na? 

ZA: Yeah, yeah. Leave me alone. 

> I knew she was greedy and selfish, 

LINA: Hey! (moves to bonk Za on the head, but the Trickster Priestess manages to dodge) 

> but it was still a shock   
> to realise she was also manipulative and evil. 

ZA: Not that there's anything wrong with that, as far as _I'm_ concerned... 

(Lina and Zel share a "gods-she's-scary" look.) 

> An enemy to   
> Justice. 

ZEL: Amelia mentions justice. Cliche number one. 

> It is my duty to end this wickedness, to free Zelgadiss-san--   
> and Gourry-san and Xelloss-san, too--from Lina's evil   
> magicks. I am nothing if not true to Justice. 

LINA: Amelia acts all infatuated with Zel. Cliche number two. 

> There is a lull in the conversation. 

LINA: As in, Za couldn't think of anything more to write, and needed a quick transition to the next bit. 

ZA:.... 

> Now is the time. 

ZEL: Carpe diem. 

ZA: Carpe noctum. 

LINA: Carpe carp. And tuna and bass and... 

> "Lina-san?" I call, and she looks over at me. "Can I talk to   
> you for a moment?"   
>   
> "Sure," she replies with a shrug. So certain no one will ever   
> figure her out. But I *have*... 

LINA: Have not! I'm inexplicable. 

ZEL: (smiles) That's for certain. 

> "Alone," I add, when she makes no move to join me. "It's   
> girl stuff." 

(Zel blushes.) 

LINA: "That time of the month." Cliche number three. 

> Gourry-san makes a face, and Zelgadiss-san blushes a little.   
> I smile; soon my friends will be freed. 

ZA: Yeah, when you die! 

> Lina hops up and joins me at the edge of the clearing where   
> we've set up camp. "What is it?" she askes, with obviously   
> fake kindness. 

LINA: FAKE? Why that— 

ZEL: Calm down, Lina. It's just a story. 

LINA: (sighs) Hai. 

> I shake my head; we're still too close to the others. 

ZEL: You do like semi-colons, don't you? 

LINA: She must; she uses them all the time. 

ZEL: This is true; indeed, most of her stories have semicolons used thusly. 

ZA: What's wrong with liking semi-colons? Semi-colons are spiff! 

(Zel mouths "spiff" with a perplexed expression.) 

> I walk   
> into the forest, and she follows, calling after me in confusion.   
>   
> I hate her. 

LINA: You're repeating yourself. 

ZA: I know! It's on purpose. A literary device, even. 

(Lina rolls her eyes.) 

> Once we're sufficiently deep enough into the woods, I stop.   
> Lina catches up, and glares. I smile at her.   
>   
> "What's this all about?" she asks again, genuine impatience   
> overshadowing the faux kindness in her tone. 

LINA: How DARE she imply I'm acting— 

ZA: Oh, like you never pretend to be at least civil when you want to Dragu Slave her butt back to Sailoon? 

LINA: ...point taken. 

> "What do you know about bewitchments, Lina-san?" 

ZEL: The Lame Plot Device Strikes Back. 

> I'm rather dissapointed when she looks only confused,   
> not worried. Oh, well, I suppose she's had plenty of   
> practice feigning innocence. 

LINA: And "rather." What's with that? 

ZEL: You use it rather frequently. 

LINA: It sounds rather stuffy. 

ZA: Silence! 

(Lina and Zel trade grins.) 

> "Why?" 

LINA:...did you subject your fellow listians to this story? 

> "I just...need to know," I hedge. Just prove your knowledge,   
> curse you!   
>   
> "Well, there are minor bewitchments, which can be undone by   
> any high-level cure spell. Then there are major bewitchments,   
> which can be undone only by the caster." 

ZEL: A principle makes an expository speech. Cliche number four. 

> "Or the caster's death?"   
>   
> Now she looks suspicious. That's all right, it won't be long   
> now. 

LINA: There's yet another phrase you use a lot. 

ZEL: Such as in _Love-in-Idleness_. 

(Za shrugs: 'whatever'.) 

> "Yeah, or the caster's death or incapacitation, which disrupts   
> the enchantment. Now tell me: why do you--"   
>   
> We've been standing close to each other. It is a simple   
> matter to move forward, draw my dagger, and sheath it   
> in her stomach. She screams, but I'm not worried.   
> Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san will be glad I've freed them. 

LINA: Can we say "delusional"? 

ZEL & ZA: Delusional. 

LINA: I knew that you could. 

> Her blood is warm and sticky and thicker than I expected.   
> There is so much...! 

ZEL: Just how _do_ you know so much about blood, Metallium? 

ZA: That is a secret. (ducks Lina's punch) 

> How dare she give me that look of betrayal! It was /she/   
> who betrayed /me,/ laughing in secret at all I stand for,   
> and stealing away Zelgadiss-san! 

ZEL: Tsk, you failed to use parallel structure. 

(Ellizabeth grumbles.) 

> There is a rustling sound, and Zelgadiss-san reaches us.   
> Well, that makes sense, since being a Chimera makes him   
> very swift. 

LINA: And Amelia is very swift, too. 

ZEL: Yes, wonderful graps of the obvious she has. 

> He must want to thank me. 

ZEL: HA! 

> Why are his eyes widening like that? Why is he looking   
> at me with the same betrayal I saw in Lina's eyes?   
>   
> Why is he looking at me with hatred? 

ZA: Possibly because...he _does_ hate you? 

> "What have you done?" I never realised how frightening   
> Zelgadiss-san can sound. Why is he so upset? 

ZA: Trying to kill the person a guy loves tends to make that guy upset. 

(Zel blushes a little at the implication of Za's remark.) 

> "I freed you!" I try to explain. "Lina had you and   
> Gourry-san and Xelloss-san bewitched!" 

LINA: The Return of the Lame Plot Device. 

ZA: Enough with the plays on Star Wars movie titles! 

> His eyes narrow, and he pushes me away from Lina, hard.   
> I don't understand. He should be happy! 

ZEL: I reiterate: HA! 

> He *shouldn't* be cradling that--that evil enchantress in his   
> arms like that! 

LINA: "Evil enchantress?"...well, that does sound much better than Dragon Spooker. I like it. 

> He's trying to stop the blood flow. Why?   
> Isn't he glad to be free? 

ZEL: I'd be glad if I was free of Amelia. 

> Gourry-san has arrived now. He looks totally shocked. 

LINA: (sardonic) Gee, fancy that. 

> "Keep her--" Zegadiss-san jerks his head in my direction, "   
> --away from Lina. Make sure she can do no more harm."   
>   
> Now Gourry-san has that look of betrayal! Why can't he   
and Zelgadiss-san understand? 

ZA: Poor insane thing. She's really lost it. 

> Lina is still concious. She's casting a healing spell,   
> with Zelgadiss-san feeding her power. 

ZA: Ah...oh, nevermind. 

ZEL: Hentai. 

ZA: (grins) You have _no_ idea. 

> No! The bewitcher still lives! But I must've broken the   
> enchantment, she was certainly incapacitated...so   
> why aren't Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san thanking me,   
> instead of tending to Lina? 

ZA: Maybe because...they LOVE LINA? 

ZEL: Which she _seemed_ to understand at the beginning of this peice. 

LINA: Oooh, selective amnesia. Another lame plot device. 

ZEL: Or perhaps just sloppiness. 

> Now all of them are looking at me, as if I were some sort   
> of dangerous animal they are considering killing. 

ZEL: ...actually... 

LINA: ...if it were "annoying animal"... 

> I run. I don't hear the sound of pursuit; Zelgadiss-san   
> and Gourry-san are probably still fussing over Lina. 

ZA: Well, duh. 

> I hate her. 

(Za glares at her companions, daring them to mock her literary device. They decide it isn't worth the bother and say nothing.) 

> My legs ache and my throat burns, and I consider resting   
> a moment. I trip over something, and remain where I've   
> fallen. Okay, I /will/ rest a moment. I just need to catch   
> my breath. 

ZEL: That was one of the most convoluted paragraphs I've ever had the displeasure to read. 

> "Konban wa, Amelia-san." Xelloss-san! Surely /he/ will   
> be glad I freed him! 

LINA: Insertion of random japanese for no good reason. Cliche number five. 

> "There are some things I will not tolerate," he says brightly.   
> "Those who interfere with my plans, and those who interfere with   
> what is mine, being among the highest on the list." 

ZA: Okay, I know! It's a poorly contructed sentence! Just lay off. 

> I breathe a sigh of relief. I was right; he's angry with   
> Lina now, because her bewitchment interfered with his plans.   
>   
> "You have done both, by nearly killing Lina-chan." 

ZEL: (frowns) "Lina-chan." 

ZA: It's a term of endearment. Get over it, Zel-kun. 

> What?! Has the whole world gone mad? 

LINA: Nope, just you. 

> He raises one hand, and I see what he holds: my dagger, the   
> one I'd just tried to kill the bewitcher with. There is   
> still blood on it, not entirely dried. How did he get it? 

ZEL: Yes, how _did_ he get it? 

ZA: ...... 

ZEL: Humph. 

> "And *that*," he cheerfully states, "I will not allow."   
>   
> He throws the knife and I think I cry out as it embeds itself   
> in my stomach. I claw at the knife, but I'm suddenly weak, and   
> cannot remove it. There is so much blood...   
>   
> ...i hate her...   
>   
> -end- 

ZEL & LINA: Praise L-sama! 

> __________   
> There is a hypertext version of this document avaiable at   
> http://members.tripod.com/~Metallium/freed.html 

LINA: Isn't that a little...superfulous? 

ZA: No, the hypertext version's easier to read. 

LINA: So why didn't you just send the URL, or at least put it at the _beginning_ of the email? 

ZA:.... 

> The main reason I wrote this is because, after writing   
> "Inferno," I thought, 

ZEL: You thought? Wow, a red-letter day. 

ZA: Low blow, Stone Boy. 

ZEL: After what you've put me through, do you blame me? 

ZA: Well, no. 

> "Hey, Zel's *been* a villian, in canon.   
> How about making a 'totally good'   
> character the villian?" 

LINA: S'funny. I didn't think an incredibly annoying character qualified as "totally good." 

ZA: I meant good as in doesn't do villainous things. 

LINA: You should've been more specific, then. 

ZA: Now you two are just nit-picking. 

LINA: Well...yeah, we are. 

ZA: The story's over— 

ZEL & LINA: Praise L-sama. 

ZA: (glares) —so how about you let me get back to my coding? 

LINA: (shrugs) Sure. Ja! 

(The two disappear. Za takes her seat again. She looks thoughful a moment, then opens a word processing program.) 

ZA: MSTie _me_, will they? (grins very evilly) Well, I suppose I'll have to prove to them the truth of the statement "turnabout is fair play; payback's a bitch." 

(She starts typing gleefully, then gives an Evil Laugh.) 

ZA: Oh yes, payback's a bitch...and so am I.   


–end(?)–

   [1]: mailto:ZaMetallium@aol.com



	2. Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: the beast

Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: the beast

**Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: the beast**   
by [Za Metallium][1], Trickster Priestess 

  


  


(The funky-anime-background pocket dimension. Za is seated before The Obscenely Large Monitor, busily typing away. Suddenly she stops and looks at her watch.) 

ZA: Five...four...three...two...o— 

(Xelloss pops in.) 

XELLOSS: Greetings. 

ZA: (grins) Punctual as always, I see. 

XELLOSS: Of course. 

ZA: Well, let's get this little party started. 

(Lina and Zel appear. The former holds a drumstick in one hand and a dinner roll in the other. The latter is clutching his omnipresent cup of coffee. Or, rather, they did; they are so startled to find themselves in the funky-anime-background dimension that they drop what they are holding.) 

LINA: Huh? 

ZEL: What are we doing back here? 

ZA: How quickly some forget. You were here not that long ago, Zel-kun, after revenge for the way I mistreat you. 

ZEL: (annoyed) I remember that; do I look like Gourry to you? 

ZA: (sighs) Ohhhh, no. You look _much_ better than the dumb blond. 

ZEL: (nonchalantly moving away from Za) ..... 

LINA: Xelloss? 

XELLOSS: Hello, Lina-chan. 

LINA: Why are _you_ here? 

ZA: I invited him. I though he might enjoy this. 

LINA: Enjoy what? 

ZA: Doing what you did with _Freed_ to _the beast_. 

LINA: ...why? 

ZA: You could think of it as payback, I suppose. After all, this is a very lovely you/Xelloss piece, and Zel-kun certainly won't like that. 

ZEL: (still staying away from Za) What about Lina? 

(Lina shoots Zel a dirty look.) 

ZA: Oh, I'm not really angry at her. _You_ were the one seeking revenge, ne? 

XELLOSS: Of course, the fact that Lina is your favourite had nothing to do with your decision not to seek retribution from her, right? 

ZA: ..... 

LINA: Wait. How is trouncing one of _your_ stories supposed to repay _Zel_? 

ZA: You'll just have to wait and see. 

LINA: (grumbling) Let's get on with it, then. 

> Subj: [songfic] the beast (1/2)   
> Date:2/2/99 9:29:32 AM Central Standard Time   
> From:NuitCoeur@aol.com 

LINA: What does "new-it-co-er" mean? 

ZA: It's pronounced "new-ee-cur," actually, and it means "night heart" in french. 

ZEL: How apt. 

ZA: Well, I thought so. 

ZEL:..... 

> To:zellinaxeros@listbot.com 

XELLOSS: Why does Zel's name come before mine? 

ZA: I guess Sarah likes Zel-kun more than she likes you. 

XELLOSS: Humph. 

> Slayers Fanatics! - http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Gulf/4007/index.html   
>   
> Um, y'all ought to note, 

ZEL: "Y'all"? 

ZA: So I have an ecletic vocabulary of slang. Is that so zarbi? 

LINA: "Zarbi"? 

ZA: That is—or was, at least—french slang for bizarre. 

LINA: In that case, yes, it _is_ so zarbi. 

ZA: Humph. 

> before reading further... I'm not sure exactly   
> what the bloody hell I was thinking when I wrote this, 

ZEL: That works out; I don't know what the bloody hell you were thinking, either, when I _read_ your work. 

> except that   
> I ought to write a Lina/Xelloss piece, 

XELLOSS: You've been doing quite well in that area lately. _Kokoro_, _The Hunger_...I've been quite pleased. 

(Za beams.) 

ZEL: You would, you hentai. _The Hunger_ being Metallium's first lemon. (shudders) 

> and that I wanted to write a   
> songfic a la fkfic-l. 

ZA: Before you ask, fkfic-l is THE Forever Knight fanfiction mailing list, and there've been songfics like this posted on it for years. 

ZEL: All I never wanted to know about fkfic-l. Thanks ever so much. 

> It turned out...strangely. 

LINA: All your stuff turns out strangely. 

ZA: Yeah, well.... 

> "the beast," written by Johnette Napolitano, is performed by Concrete   
> Blonde on their album "Bloodletting." If you've never heard that album,   
> you are SO missing out. 

(Za raises a sign that says "Buy BLOODLETTING today!".) 

> Lyrics are after "##"s.   
> ________   
> the beast   
>   
>   
>   
> ##the prey of the beast   
> ##screamed bloody murder   
> ##the line is so fine between hoping and hurting   
> ##former believers, they beg for release   
> ##as love, looking down on them, smiles and picks his teeth 

ZEL: o.O 

LINA: ...what cheerful lyrics. 

XELLOSS: I like them. 

ZEL: You _would._

> "It's MY LIFE!" Lina screeched angrily.   
>   
> "And you're risking it!" Gourry returned heatedly.   
>   
> "I risk it every gods-cursed day!"   
>   
> "Being who you are, yes, simply living day to day can be   
> dangerous. I understand that," Zelgadiss, ever the quiet   
> voice of reason, interjected. "But this is beyond everyday   
> risk. It's reckless, even for you." 

LINA: Not to sound like Gourry, but...what the HELL are we talking about? 

ZA: Wait and see. 

> "Don't you think I know it's not safe? Don't you think   
> I've thought about this myself?...wait, you /don't/ think   
> I've thought about this, do you?"   
>   
> "But, Lina-san, you don't seem to be--"   
>   
> "I don't *seem* to be many things. 

XELLOSS: And you _do_ seem to be many other things, like— 

ZEL: Don't say it. 

XELLOSS: (all innocence) Say what? 

> Things aren't always   
> what they seem." She glared at Amelia, then gave Zel a   
> piercing look. "You, at least, ought to understand /that,/   
> Zel." 

(Zel winces.) 

> Zel bristled. "Stop dodging the issue."   
>   
> "The subject is not open for debate," Lina finally said,   
> her voice cold.   
>   
> "But Lina--" Gourry began.   
>   
> "It's not debatable," Lina reiterated, her tone getting   
> chiller still. "If you'll excuse me, I'd like to be   
> alone." The unspoken corollary 

XELLOSS: A corollary...isn't that a mathematical clause? 

ZA: Um... 

> was that she was to be   
> disturbed only in case of extreme emergency, and even   
> then at the risk of the one's life. 

LINA: Yeah! 

(Zel looks questioningly at Lina. She shrugs.) 

> After she was out of earshot, Gourry made an exasperated   
> noise. "I don't understand her sometimes."   
>   
> "Most of the time," Zel corrected with bitter humour.   
>   
> "Can't she see the danger?" Amelia asked no-one in particular.   
>   
> "That's the problem. She sees the danger and doesn't care,"   
> Zel responded flatly.   
>   
> Nearby, sprawled on the branch of a tall tree, the reason   
> for this conversation watched, his violet eyes open and   
> sparkling with amusement. Then, smirking widely, he   
> disappeared. 

ZEL: (grumbling) I have to admit, you got that damn mazoku's personality right-on there. 

> ##trapped in-between heaven and hell   
> ##he knows all the secrets and don't want to tell   
> ##there's nowhere to run and there's nowhere to hide   
> ##love knows you all too well--he will find you   
>   
>   
> Lina hit the water for the umpteenth time that evening.   
> ~How /dare/ they try to tell me what to do. As if I   
> can't take care of myself!~   
>   
> She sighed, climbing out of the river. ~It's hard to keep   
> my mind off the others when I'm engaging in Zel's favourite   
> passtime.~ 

XELLOSS: What pastime _is_ that, exactly? 

LINA: (with a "duh-that's-obvious" expression) Bathing, of course! 

XELLOSS: Gomen, but after reading _Would Not Come_ I always wonder if— 

ZA: Don't go there. Just...don't go there. 

> Absently Lina began drying herself off. ~Maybe I shouldn't   
> have gotten so angry. But, dammit, it is *my* life.~   
>   
> Xelloss hid in plain sight, the shadows masking his   
> presence. He'd gone after Lina and had been able to   
> watch her bathe. ~What a lovely bonus,~ he mused as he   
> watched her dress. 

(Lina is now blushing bright red. Zel is fuming. Xelloss is smirking widely.) 

XELLOSS: If you think _this_ is something, Zel-kun, wait untill she posts _The Hunger._

> Lina opted not to put her cape back on; it was a little   
> warm, and she was more comfortable without it. 

LINA: Do you have something against my cape? 

ZA: Not...really. 

LINA: I _like_ my cape. 

ZEL: I like Lina's cape, too. 

(Za grins at Xelloss and mouths the word "fetish.") 

> Slinging   
> it over one shoulder, Lina wandered in the opposite direction   
> from the campsite, humming tunelessly as she did so. 

LINA: (angry) Are you implying that I can't carry a tune?! 

ZA: (puts up hands in a warding-off gesture) Of course not! I have some Slayers CDs; I know you can do more than just carry a tune! 

(Lina nods, satisfied with this explaination. Za breathes a sigh of relief.) 

> Lina gasped as she turned a corner to find Xelloss perched   
> atop a large rock.   
>   
> "Hello, Lina-san," the priest greeted with a smile.   
>   
> "Xelloss? What are you doing here? Wait, I know: 'that   
> is a secret'," she recited. 

ZEL: Now we're back to the cliches, hm? 

(Za pouts. Zel looks pensive.) 

ZEL: Would you mind terribly if I played the drinking game as we continue? 

ZA: (pleased) Sure! 

(Amelia of all people shows up, bearing a copy of the drinking game and a case of The Good Stuff.) 

AMELIA: I protest! This servititude is unfitting for a princess and a champion of Justice. 

ZA: Amelia? 

AMELIA: Hai? 

ZA: Kindly silence yourself, or I'll do it for you. 

AMELIA: (meekly) Hai. 

(Amelia sets her burden down next to Zel and beats a hasty retreat.) 

ZA: (smiles) I love my job. 

> Xelloss winked at her in reply.   
>   
> Lina looked at the priest with not a little suspicion.   
> ~Does he know that the others and I argued about him   
> just a little while ago? How could he? But, then,   
> this /is/ Xelloss...~ 

ZEL: (reads) "A character becomes introspective and recaps previous events mentally." (takes one drink) 

XELLOSS: (aside, to Za) You _do_ realise he's doing this to make the reading less painful? 

ZA: Of course. 

XELLOSS: And you're letting him get away with this _why_? 

ZA: I have two words for you: tipsy Zel-kun. 

XELLOSS: (nods, smirks) Ahh. 

ZA: (to Zel) Hey, don't forget to take a drink for this being a songfic! 

(Zel gives her a strange look, then takes another drink.) 

> "What do you want?"   
> Lina asked. 

XELLOSS: Actually, I— 

ZEL: DON'T SAY IT!! 

ZA: Yeesh, calm down, Zel-kun. You'll get an ulcer. 

> "Why do you think I 'want' anything?"   
>   
> Lina frowned. "I learn from experience."   
>   
> "Touch=E9." 

LINA: "=E9"? 

ZA: (sweatdrops) I kinda forgot to remove the special charater. 

> ##love is the ghost, haunting your head   
> ##love is the killer you thought was your friend   
> ##love is the creature who lives in the dark   
> ##sneaks up and sticks you and painfully picks you apart   
>   
>   
> "It's my life!"   
>   
> Even without Lina there, her words seemed to remain,   
> living things buzzing around her friends' heads. 

XELLOSS: You really ought to leave the poetic prose to Tavichan. 

ZA: I know, I know. 

LINA: You're no poet, after all. 

ZEL: "Nothing Is" proved that. 

ZA: I KNOW! 

> "He could just kill her, and we couldn't do anything   
> about it," Gourry said, glaring off into the distance.   
>   
> Zel sighed softly. "I don't really think it matters   
> whether or not he travels with us, on that count. If   
> he's going to kill her, he'll find a way." 

LINA: That sounds awfully familiar... 

XELLOSS: Yes, quite like Zel's little monologue in _Slayers Elsewhere._

ZA: It does?...I guess it does, at that. Damn. 

> "Then why were you arguing with Lina-san, too?" Amelia asked,   
> confused.   
>   
> "My dislike of that mazoku aside, I worry about what trouble   
> his presence will result in." More quietly, he added, "I   
> worry about the effect his influence will have on Lina." 

XELLOSS: ("helpfully") That would be "Zel whines about something other than his form or how he wants to find a cure"—two drinks. 

(Zel glares at Xelloss, but takes the two drinks anyway.) 

> ##love is a poet, love sings the songs   
> ##pointing his finger, you follow along   
> ##voices are calling, the monster wants out of you   
> ##paws you and claws you, you try not to fall   
>   
>   
> "You seem upset, Lina-chan," Xelloss noted, his   
> eyes opening to regard her. 

ZEL: (grumbles) I'll take "obvious things to say" for 500, Alex. 

MINNA (sans Zel): ...... 

ZA: I am **not** letting you watching Jeopardy any more. 

> "I...I'm fine." ~Now. Mostly. If you use a very loose   
> definition of 'fine.'~ 

XELLOSS: Oh, you're most definitely _fine_, Lina-chan. 

(Lina blushes.) 

> Xelloss raised an eyebrow and Lina reddened slightly.   
> "I had an argument with the others," she admitted. 

ZA: That reminds me, I ought to add "someone blushes" to the one-drink section. Two drinks if it isn't Zel. Oh, feel free to count that now, Zel-kun. 

(Zel does so, and takes two more drinks. Za and Xelloss share wicked, conspiratorial looks.) 

> "Over what?" the priest inquired curiously. As if he didn't   
> know... 

LINA: Is that Xelloss or me thinking that? It's not clear. 

ZEL: Which is poor writing style. 

ZA: It was Xelloss, and I _know_ that, Zel-kun. 

> "What I should--or rather, shouldn't--do," she said with a   
> dismissive gesture, trying to be as vague as possible. 

ZA: Vague can be fun! 

LINA: ....right. Whatever you say. 

> "You are one of the most powerful sorceresses this world   
> has ever known, you have defeated Dark Lords and part of   
> Shabranigdu Himself, you can cast Nightmare magicks...and   
> they are trying to tell /you/ what to do?" he asked with a   
> chuckle.   
>   
> She blinked. ~When you put it that way, it sounds   
> even more absurd that I'd thought.~ "Well...yes." 

ZEL: Something's absurd here, all right. (glares at Za) 

> "Such interesting travelling companions you choose,   
> Lina-chan."   
>   
> ~You got that right,~ she thought, eyeing the mazoku   
> priest. She simply shrugged in reply.   
>   
> "You were right; I do want something," Xelloss said. 

LINA: That's kinda out-of-character, isn't it? 

ZA: No, he was just being manipulative. 

XELLOSS: And looking damn good doing it, ne? 

> Lina was startled by Xelloss' straightforward statement,   
> but quickly recovered. "And what's that?"   
>   
> "I'd like to show you something." 

ZEL: (sourly) I bet I know what that something is... 

XELLOSS: What an uncharacteristically ecchi remark, Zel-kun. 

LINA: (not getting it, the innocent thing) Ecchi? Howso? 

ZA: Don't worry about it. 

> He hopped up, walked over to her, and offered his hand.   
>   
> She regarded it, and him, a long moment. Straightening   
> her shoulders, she placed her hand in his. "Let's go,   
> then."   
>   
> _____   
>   
>   
> Subj: [songfic] the beast (2/2)   
> Date:2/2/99 9:28:28 AM Central Standard Time   
> From:NuitCoeur@aol.com   
> To:zellinaxeros@listbot.com   
>   
> Slayers Fanatics! - http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Gulf/4007/index.html 

ZEL: Dear gods, there's more? 

ZA: Yup. (smirks) 

XELLOSS: Don't worry, I'm certain there will be _some_ reason for you to take another drink soon. 

(Xelloss and Za again share smirks.) 

> ##love is the leech, sucking you up 

ZA: Don't say it. 

XELLOSS: Whyever not? 

LINA: Say what? 

ZA: That's why. 

> ##love is a vampire, drunk on your blood   
> ##love is the beast that will tear out your heart   
> ##hungrily lick it and painfully pick it apart   
>   
>   
> "His influence?" Amelia repeated, obviously still   
> confused. 

LINA: That's supposed to be Gourry's job. 

ZA: Yes, well, it's Amelia's turn at the moment. 

> "He's a mazoku. Whatever influence he has on Lina   
> will not be good. The longer she allows him to   
> travel with us, the stronger his influence may   
> become." 

XELLOSS: And you were commenting on _my_ obvious remark? 

ZEL: (mutters) Silence. (to himself) Another expository speech. (takes another drink) 

XELLOSS: (aside to Za) Just what _is_ he drinking? 

ZA: The Good Stuff. You know, the kind you can go from zero to plastered on in five minutes? 

XELLOSS: Bra_va_. 

> Gourry looked seriously worried; he obviously had   
> not considered that before, thinking only of Lina's   
> physical saftey.   
>   
> ~I'm tired,~ he thought wearily, feeling suddenly as   
> if the life had been drained from him. Zelgadiss   
> gave him a sympathetic look, apparantly in the same   
> boat as the swordsman. 

(Zel mutters something that sounds like "banana boat.") 

LINA: What was that? 

ZEL: Nothing. 

> "We went about it the wrong way. If we'd gotten her   
> to reach the same conclusion we did on her own, this   
> might have worked out. As it is, she'll keep him around   
> just to prove she's right," Zel stated wearily.   
>   
> There was a not-entirely-comfortable silence before   
> Amelia ventured, "Zelgadiss-san? Are you afraid that   
> Xelloss-san may coerce Lina-san to work for the   
> side of Evil?" 

ZEL: (to himself) That's close enough to a justice speech... and could even be considered relevant to the plot. (takes two more drinks) 

LINA: (looking at Zel with concern) **Relevant**? 

ZEL: Huh? 

LINA: Oh, nevermind. 

(Za snickers. Lina looks at the Trickster Priestess piercingly. Za bats her eyes and does her best innocent act. Lina, being intelligent, doesn't buy it.) 

> "Not...coerce, so much as convince."   
>   
> "Like we convinced her to get rid of Xelloss?" Gourry   
> asked with uncharacteristic bitterness. 

LINA: Gourry _bitter_?...I just can't see it. 

XELLOSS: Just how many bottles have you gone through, Zel-kun? 

ZEL: (looks at one hand, moving his fingers as if counting on them, then shrugs) A few. 

XELLOSS: Well isn't that _nice_...(grins wickedly) 

> "No, not like we did. Not at all."   
>   
> "Then how?" Amelia inquired.   
>   
> Zel stared off into the distance, unseeing, his   
> expression and tone dull, resigned. "Using the   
> influence I fear he's aquiring the longer he's   
> in contact with Lina."   
>   
> "What influence?" Amelia was getting tired of not   
> understanding what was being said.   
>   
> Zel made no reply, simply continuing to gaze   
> at something only he could see. 

ZEL: And that's— 

(Za nonchalantly throws a convienantly nearby pillow at Zel.) 

ZEL: Hey!...what was I saying? 

ZA: You weren't saying anything. 

ZEL: Oh. All right. 

ZA: (aside, to Xelloss) Oooh, he _is_ a lewd drunk. This will be more fun than I'd first thought. 

> ##love is the leech, sucking you up   
> ##love is a vampire, drunk on your blood   
> ##love is the beast that will tear out your heart   
> ##hungrily lick it and painfully pick it apart   
>   
>   
> "What is this place?"   
>   
> Lina looked around her with awe. They stood in some sort   
> of cave, whose walls were covered in shimmering silver and   
> crimson crystals. 

LINA: Swiped that from _The Crystal Caves_, huh? 

ZA: No! Actually, it's a plot device. 

LINA: Like that's much better? 

> Xelloss took a sort of satisfaction from Lina's wonder.   
> "Very few have ever been here," he told her. 

ZEL: (growls at Xelloss) And it'll stay that way, you perverted mazoku. 

LINA: Zel, what ARE you talking about? 

ZEL: ...nevermind, Lina. 

XELLOSS: And you say _I'm_ the pervert? 

ZA: Well, you are. Just not the only one. 

> "It's beautiful," Lina couldn't help but state the obvious.   
>   
> "It works quite well as a place to think without fear of   
> interruption." 

ZA: Don't say it, Zel-kun. Just take a few extra drinks instead. 

ZEL: Have been. 

(Za smirks evilly.) 

> "You come here often?" 

ZEL: (accusatory, to Za) That's a pick-up line! Lina wouldn't— 

ZA: Oh, it is _not_. Shut up and have another drink. 

(Zel looks about read to argue heatedly, but then frowns and opens a new bottle of The Good Stuff.) 

> It was only partly a question.   
>   
> "Oh yes, indeed. You might even say it's my 'home away   
> from home.'"   
>   
> Lina felt vaguely flattered that Xelloss had chosen to share   
> this place with her. "And you brought me here because...?"   
> Lina finally asked. 

ZEL: (a little too loud) Lina wouldn't be flattered by that! Ne, Lina? 

(Lina says nothing, her cheeks colouring slightly. Zel looks deflated and super-depressed—as in, more depressed than usual—and takes a drink.) 

> Xelloss shrugged lightly. "I thought you might like to get   
> away from your friends, as you aren't getting along famously   
> at the moment." Of course, that was only one of the reasons,   
> but there was no need for him to tell Lina that. "Do you mind?"   
> he asked, though he knew the answer.   
>   
> Lina shook her head energetically. "No, not at all."   
> She tossed her cape on the ground and situated herself atop it.   
> ~I /did/ want to get away from the others for a while.~   
>   
> Lina began studying the cave in earnest, so she did not notice   
> the strange, half-fond, half-predatory smile on Xelloss' face   
> as he looked at her. 

(Xelloss looks quite self-satisfied. Zel growls and throws an empty bottle at the priest, which misses.) 

LINA: ZEL! (thwacks him, then shakes her now-bruised hand) What'd you do that for? 

ZEL: (rubbing his now-bruised head) He...I...that damned mazoku...(trails off, realising he can't very well tell Lina why he'd done that) Gomen nasai, Lina. 

LINA: Why are you apologising to me? You threw the bottle at him (nods at Xelloss). 

XELLOSS: Yes, don't I deserve an apology? 

ZEL: No. 

LINA: (warningly) Zel... 

ZEL: (insincerely) Gomen. 

LINA: Close enough. 

> ##love is the ghost, haunting your head   
> ##love is the killer you thought was your friend   
> ##love is the creature who lives in the dark   
> ##sneak up and stick you and painfully pick you apart 

(Za starts humming the melody line. Everyone looks at her.) 

ZA: What? 

ZEL: Please— 

LINA: If you have _any_ compassion or decency— 

XELLOSS: Even if you don't— 

MINNA (sans Za): DON'T START SINGING!! 

ZA: (scratches the back of her head sheepishly) Uh, sure. 

> It was late, but only Amelia had gone to sleep. Lina   
> had not yet returned, and both Gourry and Zelgadiss were   
> awake, the former pacing nervously, the latter staring   
> off in the direction in which Lina had gone, as if expecting   
> her to suddenly reappear right there.   
>   
> Lina did indeed suddenly appear, but in the middle of the   
> campsite, and with Xelloss.   
>   
> Zelgadiss bit his lip to keep from yelling at the priest. 

(Zel does the same thing his counterpart was doing, but only for a moment as he can't bite his lip and drink at the same time.) 

> Xelloss looked more smug than usual, possibly because his   
> hand was still on Lina's shoulder and the sorceress showed   
> no sign of discomfort or anger about it.   
>   
> "Are you okay, Lina?" Gourry asked worriedly.   
>   
> ~Was she with Xelloss all that time?~ both Gourry and   
> Zelgadiss wondered, each worried if for slightly different   
> reasons.   
>   
> "I'm fine," she said airly, then added, "I can take care   
> of myself." 

ZEL: Just what happened in that cave?? 

ZA & XELLOSS: That is a secret! 

(Zel moves as if to jump up, but instead sort of stumbles, and decides he'll stay where he is, after all.) 

> -end-   
> ______   
> There is a hypertext version of this document available at   
> http://members.tripod.com/~Metallium/beast.html   
>   
> --Za, Trickster Priestess ~_~ 

ZEL: (starting to slur ever so slightly) No "sore wa himitsu desu": chug. (does so) Hated the story: two bottles. (starts on another bottle) 

LINA: (worried) He's had an awful lot to drink... 

XELLOSS: Indeed. 

ZA: Ain't it great? 

LINA: Did you drug the stuff he's been drinking? 

ZA: Would I do a thing like that? 

LINA: Are Amelia's justice speeches annoying? 

ZA: You know me so well. However, I _didn't_ drug his drink. 

(Lina looks at Za suspiciously before going to Zel.) 

ZA: (aside, to Xelloss) Wasn't necessary to drug The Good Stuff. 

XELLOSS: I do believe the fireworks are about to begin. (motions toward Lina and Zel) 

LINA: (concerned) Are you...feeling okay, Zel? 

ZEL: (slurring a little) You're sooooo sweet to be concea—conca—worried about me. 

(Lina blinks. Za and Xelloss walk over to the others.) 

ZEL: (glares at Xelloss) I don't like you. 

ZA: We'd never have guessed. 

ZEL: (glaring at Za now) I don't like you, either. 

ZA: Aw, you're just upset because I wrote a Lina/Xelloss lemon and not a Lina/you one. 

ZEL: (wails—a really disturbing thing coming from him) There aren't ANY lemons with me and Lina! There's one with me and Amamelia (shudders) and some yaoi, but I NEVER get to be with Lina!! 

(Lina is frozen in shock, totally freaked out by Zel's drunken behavior.) 

ZA: Pooooooor mistreated Zel-kun. Would it make you feel better if I said I'd try to write a you/Lina lemon some time in the future? 

XELLOSS: Hey! 

ZA: (shrugs, to Xelloss) Well, you _know_ my biases, so you— 

(She is cut off by Zel.) 

ZEL: (starry-eyed [!!!]) I'll get to be with Lina? REALLY?? 

ZA: (sweatdrops) Uh...yes, really. 

(Zel glomps her, surprising everyone else. Then he goes over to Lina and glomps HER.) 

LINA: What the hell you you think you're doing, Zel?? 

(Zel doesn't reply, just hugs her.) 

LINA: ZEL, LET GO! 

(With a sigh of disappointment, Zel does so, then goes over to the dwindling supply of The Good Stuff and starts on yet another bottle.) 

XELLOSS: (to Lina, insensed) Why didn't you beat him senseless? You always beat _me_ senseless when I try things like that!! 

ZA: (aside, to Xelloss) Like you don't _enjoy_ it when she does that. 

XELLOSS: (aside, to Za) That's beside the point. (to Lina) Well? Why?? 

LINA: Because I bet she—(point a finger at Za accusingly)—planned this. You're paying Zel back by getting him drunk so he'll make a fool of himself. 

ZA: (mildly) _He_ suggested playing. Anyway, who said I brought you two here for payback? 

LINA: _You_ said! 

ZA: No, I said you _think of it_ as payback. When I truly _do_ pay Zel back, it won't be something so...so... 

(She trails off and stares at Zel. Lina and Xelloss follow her gaze. Zel is still drinking, but he's shed his cloak and shirt and is now clad only in pants and boots.) 

ZA: (ogling Zel) **Great** view, ne, Lina? 

LINA: .....(blushes) 

XELLOSS: Humph. (to Za) If you'll excuse me, I'd really rather not watch you pant over Stone Boy. Good-bye. I'll see you soon, Lina-chan. (pops out as suddenly as he'd popped in) 

ZA: (still ogling Zel) I suppose I really ought to send you two back before he starts dancing. (sigh disappointedly) 

LINA: (staring at Zel) ....huh? 

ZA: Oh, nothing. (produces a camera and snaps some pictures of Zel, who is too busy drinking to notice) 

LINA: (still staring) Uh-huh. 

ZA: ...Lina, are you going on a diet? 

LINA: (as before) Uh-huh. 

ZA: Hm, she seems quite _distracted_. (pulls out a tape recorder) Lina, do you promise not to kill me if I continue to write dark or lemony or yuri or other such things about you? 

LINA: (as before) Uh-huh. 

ZA: Yatta! I got it on tape! 

LINA: (finally recovering somewhat) Huh? 

ZA: Don't worry about it. 

(Lina immediately becomes worried. Before she can act in her apprehension, however, she and Zel are returned to the place from whence they came. Za stands alone, looking thoughtful.) 

ZA: (looks at her camera and tape recorder and grins widckedly) I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love my job.   
  


–end...for the moment–

[a/n: this MST was written back when there actually _weren't_ any Lina/Zel lemons to be found. ::watches the Lina/Zel H fans shudder in horror::] 

   [1]: mailto:ZaMetallium@aol.com



	3. Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: Pickles

Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: Pickles

**Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: Pickles**   
by [Za Metallium][1], Trickster Priestess 

  


  


(The funky-anime-backgrounds pocket dimension. Za is looking over some papers when Xelloss appears.) 

XELLOSS: Greetings. 

ZA: (setting aside the papers) Ah, Xelloss! Wonderful. 

XELLOSS: For what reason did you ask me here? 

ZA: I thought you might want to be a part of Mission: Make Zel-kun Blush as Often as Possible. 

XELLOSS: (smirks) Indeed I would. 

ZA: (hands the papers to Xelloss) Here, read this. I'll be using it to torment Zel-kun. 

XELLOSS: (scans the papers, quirks a brow) You have quite the twisted sense of humour, ne? 

ZA: I try. 

XELLOSS: Whereever did you get the idea? 

ZA: Er...from a jar of pickles, actually. Now, just a few more things... 

(She disappears into a purplish background, then reemerges from a blue background, holding a shoebox, a rolled-up poster-like object, and a notepad and pen. She sets the shoebox and poster-thing near the Obscenely Large Monitor.) 

XELLOSS: Are those...? 

ZA: But of course. 

(They share frighteningly similar evil grins.) 

ZA: Now... 

(Lina and Zel appear, still lying on their respective berolls.) 

XELLOSS: May I? 

ZA: By all means, have at. 

(Xelloss bends over Lina and kisses her deeply. Her eyes fly open and she screeches, then proceeds to beat him into the non-existant ground. This noise wakes up Zel, who looks around him.) 

ZEL: Oh, no, not— 

ZA: Hiya, Zel-kun! Didja miss me? 

ZEL: Oh, _gods_, why me? 

LINA: (pausing her Xelloss-beating) What's wrong, Zel? 

(He motions at the grinning Trickster Priestess.) 

LINA: Oh. (abadons the Xelloss-bashing and walks over to Zel) 

ZA: Why Zel-kun, the way you're acting, I'd almost think you weren't happy to see me. 

ZEL: I'm most definitely _not_ happy to see you! (winces as he realises that maybe that wasn't the world's brightest thing to say at this point) 

LINA: (confirming Zel's suspcion) **Great**, Zel, you picked a helluva time to pull a Gourry. 

ZEL: (blushing slightly) Gomen, Lina. 

(Xelloss recovers and rejoins the little others.) 

ZA: (pulls out the notepad and writes a tally mark) One. 

LINA: One what? 

ZA & XELLOSS: Oh, nothing important. 

ZEL: Oh gods, tricksters in stereo. 

ZA: That sounds like the name of a high-school garage band. Have we been insulted? 

XELLOSS: I think we just may have. 

(Zel and Lina share apprehensive looks.) 

ZA: Then it's only fair that we seek some sort of retribution. 

XELLOSS: Yes, only fair. 

LINA: Retribution? 

XELLOSS: Don't fret, Lina-chan; Za's annoyed at Zel, not you. 

(Zel drops his head into his hand.) 

ZA: (smiles at Lina) Right, I'm not at all mad at you. 

LINA: (sotto voce) That makes one of us. 

ZA: (unfazed) Zel-kun, on the other hand...well, I think I should _thank_ you properly for the unkind way you've treated Xelloss and me this evening. 

ZEL: (mutters to himself) Hell. I am in hell. 

ZA: If you'd do the honours, Xelloss...? 

XELLOSS: But of course. 

(Xelloss walks over to the keyboard, types something, and another of Za's painfully mediocre stories appears on the Obscenely Large Monitor.) 

> Pickles   
> by Elizabeth, Trickster Priestess 

ZEL: I can't believe you admit to writing this stuff. 

(Za shrugs.) 

> Warning: this is rather citrus-like. Do not read if you're   
> too young, or are easily offended.   
>   
>   
> ---------------------------------------------------- 

ZEL: In that case— 

ZA: Forget it, Zel-kun. You don't have a choice. 

LINA: Citrus-like? What's that? 

XELLOSS: I'll explain it to you _in depth_ later, Lina-chan. 

ZEL: Like HELL you will!! 

ZA: A-HEM! Retournons-nous à nos moutons. 

MINNA (sans Za): Pardon? 

ZA: It's a french saying. Literally translated, it means "let's get back to our sheep." In use, it means "let's return to the business at hand." 

MINNA (sans Za): ..... 

> Lina, Gourry, and Amelia were in a feeding frenzy and   
> Zelgadiss was sipping a hot beverage. Basically, it was   
> an average dinner. 

LINA: Are you insulting my eating habits? 

ZA: No, just trying to portray them as accuratly as possible. 

LINA:...oh. 

> At least, that was what Zel had thought, until Lina suddenly   
> slowed her pace. He looked at her curiously as she spotted a   
> large glass jar and grabbed it, just as Gourry was reaching for   
> it. 

ZEL: A glass jar? What—? 

XELLOSS: You'll see soon enough. 

(Zel growls.) 

> "These are MINE!" Lina informed the swordsman with a look   
> that says "try to take it and I'll feed you your spleen." 

XELLOSS: That's my Lina-chan. She won't accept— 

(Xelloss is cut of as Lina thwacks him upside the head.) 

LINA: I'm not yours!! 

> Gourry blinked, then chose something else and continued   
> devouring his dinner. 

LINA: Gourry, catching a clue? 

ZEL: Isn't that out-of-character? 

ZA: Nah, it wasn't intelligence, just basic survival instincts. 

ZEL: I repeat, isn't that out-of-character? 

ZA: (considers all the times Gourry's said something to Lina that could've gotten him killed) Point taken. 

> "What is that?" Zel asked her before she could go back into   
> eating mode. 

LINA: "Eating mode"? 

ZA:...okay, so it's a stupid phrase. 

> "Pickles!" Lina replied gleefully. "I love pickles!" 

LINA: Actually, I do really like pickles. 

XELLOSS: Do you really, Lina-chan? Well, in that case, I— 

ZA: Save it for after the story, Xelloss. 

XELLOSS: (pouts) Spoilsport. 

> 'What so special about cucumbers soaked in brine?' 

ZEL: "What so special"? I speak ebonics now? 

ZA: (sweatdrops) It's a typo. No one's perfect. (sees Zel's expression) Don't even say it. 

> Zel wanted   
> to ask, but didn't. He had no desire to be fed any of his   
> internal organs. 

ZA: (sighs) Lina is just so...so...amazing! Ne? 

(Xelloss and Zel both nod enthusiastically. Lina blinks rapidly, then blushes a bit.) 

> The jar was large by normal standards, but by Lina standards   
> it was nothing. Zel estimated it would take approximately   
> twenty seconds for Lina to finish off the entire jarful. 

ZEL: I sense a "however" coming on. 

> Having finished his coffee, Zel turned to watch Lina eat in   
> order to pass the time. 

LINA: Oh, please, like Zel would really do _that_. 

ZEL:.....(blushes) 

ZA: (smirks) You were saying...? (pulls out the notepad, writes another tally mark) Two... 

> He was more than a little startled   
> when he saw Lina simply contemplating a rather large pickle   
> she held in her bare hand. 

ZEL: Lina? Eating slowly? 

ZA: (deadpan) It's the end of the world as we know it. 

(A super-deformed version of R.E.M. appears.) 

SD R.E.M.: (singing) It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fiiiiiiine... 

(SD R.E.M. vanishes. Everyone blinks in tandem.) 

ZA: O-_kay_, moving on... 

> Lina noticed Zel staring and asked, "What?" 

XELLOSS: Actually, he's— 

ZA: Shh! Don't spoil it! 

> "I'm just surprised that you're not eating, since you say   
> you love those things so much."   
>   
> Lina sniffed. "You can't just eat a pickle, Zel. There's a   
> certain way you go about it." 

ZA: And people really do eat pickles the way she'll describe, so I don't want to hear anything about _that_ being implausible. 

> "Oh?" Zel's lips quirked with amusement. "And what is this   
> 'certain way'?"   
>   
> "Just watch; I'll show you."   
>   
> This should be amusing. "All right." 

(Za and Xelloss trade covert smirks: 'this _will_ be amusing.') 

> Lina grinned and turned her attention back to the pickle in   
> her hand.   
>   
> "First," Lina said, still looking at the pickle, "you have to   
> lick all the extra brine off." 

LINA: Yeah, that's true. Otherwise things get all messy. 

XELLOSS: Funny you should say "messy"... 

LINA: Why's that? 

ZA: Wait and see. You can have Zel-kun explain it. 

(Zel gets a very very bad feeling.) 

> Lina proceeded to lick the pickle, her small pink tongue a   
> stark contrast to the green.   
>   
> Zel swallowed hard. 

(Zel, too, swallows hard, getting an inkling of where this is going.) 

> Amusing is not the word for this, he   
> thought. He glanced over at the other occupants of the table;   
> they were still engrossed in their food. 

XELLOSS: A lucky thing for Zel-kun, ne? 

ZA: He should just be grateful he wears that cloak... 

> "There." Lina licked her lips, "Next, you take a small bite   
> off the top--" Lina did just that "--and you suck out the juice."   
>   
> Zel stiffened 

ZA: Take that however you want to... 

> as Lina happily drained the pickle. Despite the   
> noise Gourry and Amelia were making, he could still hear the soft   
> sucking noises Lina made, the occasional "yum" or "mmm." He   
> tried very very hard not to picture her doing that same thing,   
> though not with a pickle, and failed miserably. 

(Zel is blushing a startlingly bright red. Za pulls out the notepad and marks another tally.) 

ZA: Three... 

LINA: (looking at Zel with a mix of curiosity and concern) What's wrong, Zel? What's so embarassing about pickles? 

(Zel just shakes his head.) 

XELLOSS: (mutters, to Za) He'd better be blushing with _embarassment_... 

> Lina pulled the now slightly limp pickle from her mouth.   
> "Then--"   
>   
> Zel stood suddenly. "I have to go. Now," he said quickly,   
> then dashed off. 

(Za and Xelloss stare at Zel, smirking. He looks the floor, still incredibly red. Lina continues to look confused.) 

> Lina watched him go with confusion, as did the   
> swordsman and the princess when they noticed Zel retreating   
> towards his room. 

ZA: Which is significant...(winks at Zel) 

(Zel emits what sounds suspiciously like a whimper of dispair and studies his boots.) 

> "What got into him?" Lina wondered aloud. 

ZA: Well— 

ZEL: DON'T SAY IT!!! 

ZA: (mildly) Fine. 

> She looked at her   
> companions, who merely shrugged and returned to their meals.   
> After a moment, Lina shrugged also, and went back to her pickles.   
>   
> -end- 

LINA: (blinks) I don't get it. (looks at the still-blushing Zel) And what's with you? 

ZA: Tsk, tsk, Zel-kun's having impure thoughts. 

ZEL: (glares) I am not— 

ZA: Then why are you blushing? 

ZEL: Because you...because she...because...(trails off) 

ZA: That's what I thought. 

XELLOSS: (in a scarily sweet tone) You _are_ blushing from embarassment, ne, Zel-kun, and not something else? 

ZEL: (quickly) Of course! 

(Xelloss frowns.) 

ZA: (smirks) Suuuure, Zel-kun, whatever you say. 

LINA: (getting pissed) I want to know what you three are talking about! 

MINNA (sans Lina): Nothing! 

LINA: "Nothing" my ass! 

ZA: I'll explain it when you're older. 

XELLOSS: (smiles sensuously at Lina) Or, if you'd prefer, I could explain it _now_. 

LINA: Yeah, I— 

ZEL: Not on your life, you hentai mazoku! 

LINA: (blinks) Hentai? 

XELLOSS: (scowls) We'll see about that. 

ZA: ENOUGH!! 

(Everyone looks at her with varying degrees of hostility.) 

ZA: You three cut it out or I'll stick you (points at Zel) in a small, locked room with Amelia, you (points at Xelloss) in a sensory deprivation chamber, and you (points at Lina) in an airplane, where even _you_ couldn't eat the food. Understand?? 

MINNA (sans Za): Yes. 

ZA: (takes a deep breath) Ah, I feel better. Bully for me. 

ZEL: (mutters) "Bully" is right. 

ZA: Oh, Lina-chan, I meant to ask... 

LINA: "Lina-chan"? Uh-oh... 

ZA: Did Zel-kun continue his stripping act when I sent you two back? 

LINA: Er....(blushes) 

ZEL:....(blushes brightly) 

(Xelloss glares at Zel.) 

ZA: (marks another tally) Four. 

XELLOSS: (dangerously) Just what _did_ you do, Zelgadiss Greywords? 

(Zel mumbles something.) 

ZA: Come again?...oops, bad word choice. 

ZEL: HENTAI! 

ZA: Yes I am. Now answer the question. 

ZEL: I...(blushs big-time) don't really remember all that well... 

ZA: (marks yet another tally) Five. 

XELLOSS: You better not have touched my Lina-chan... 

ZA: Lina, what _did_ happen? 

LINA: Um...(blushes to match her eyes) Zel sorta... took off, um, his pants... 

(Xelloss, livid, attempts to attack Zel. Za whispers something to him first, and he calms down a little. Zel is apparently trying to see how many different shades of red stone can blush.) 

ZA: After he took off his pants, what happened? 

LINA: He passed out. 

(Zel breathes a sigh of relief. Xelloss loses the murderous look he'd been sporting—well, mostly loses it.) 

ZA: (sighs) Pity I missed it. Well, at least I have...(grabs the poster-thing and unrolls it, revealing it to be a poster-sized picture of a shirtless Zel) THIS!! 

ZEL: (still blushing) Gaaah! 

LINA:.....(blushes) 

XELLOSS: Humph. 

ZA: (sighs happily) Lovely, isn't it? And I made plenty of wallet-sized copies to give to all my Zelophile friends. 

ZEL: Why do you hate me so much? 

ZA: Hate you? I don't hate you. In fact, I adore you. Not as much as I adore Lina-chan, but... 

XELLOSS: (pouts) What about me? 

ZA: Oh, I adore you, too, and you know it. 

ZEL: If you don't hate me, then why do you torment me? 

XELLOSS: Why, to show you she likes you, of course. 

(Za nods.) 

ZEL: How very...mazoku-like. 

ZA: Mazoku-like? Pshaw, mazoku don't _always_ torment the object of their affections, ne, Xelloss? 

XELLOSS: Very true. (grins wickedly, eyeing Lina, who is pointedly not looking at either the poster of Zel or the Chimera himself) 

ZA: In fact...(glances at Xelloss and nods slightly) 

(Xelloss' grin widens, and he glomps Lina, managing to give her another rather passionate kiss before she punches him a good distance away.) 

ZA:...they also tend to be affectionate, ne? 

XELLOSS: (in a heap some distance away) Whenever possible. 

(Za notices Zel glaring at Xelloss.) 

ZA: Aw, poor Zel-kun, you jealous? You want a turn, too? 

(Zel splutters. Xelloss makes a miraculous recovery and rejoins the group, looking sourly at both Zel and Za. Lina is...blushing.) 

ZA: Whaddya say, Lina? Fair's fair, ne? 

LINA: ..... 

ZA: Great! I'll take that as a "yes." 

(She none-too-gently pushes Lina toward Zel. Lina is unable to stop and runs into him.) 

ZA: Well? C'mon. 

XELLOSS: (scowling rather frighteningly) What do you think you are doing? 

ZA: Must you ask? (to Lina and Zel) Well, let's go, you two! 

(Lina and Zel just stare at each other, blushing [what else?].) 

ZA: (marks yet another tally) Six. Tell you what: you share a _proper_ kiss—that means on the lips, you two—then I'll send you back. 

LINA: Um.... 

ZEL: Er.... 

ZA: If you _don't_, I'll keep you two here... 

ZEL: (to Lina) It seems we don't have much choice. 

LINA: (sighs, to Zel) I guess not. 

(Rather shyly, he bends down. Their lips touch and...they vanish.) 

ZA: (marks a another tally) I think I can safely say that will be blush number seven. (notices Xelloss glaring at her) Oh, come _on_, surely that didn't surprise you? 

XELLOSS: I didn't surprise me, it dissapointed me. Amoungst other things. 

ZA: (rolls eyes) _Any_way, much as I wanted to see those two kiss, I did it so they'd have to explain just what they were doing to their friends. (smirks) Amelia's gonna have a heart attack. 

XELLOSS: Indeed, that may be rather amusing. I think I'll go witness it. 

ZA: And make sure nothing waffy happens, ne? 

(Xelloss nods, then vanishes. Za retrieves the shoebox she'd set beside the Obscenely Large Monitor. Unsurprisingly, it's filled with wallet-sized photos of shirtless Zel. There's also a minature notebook. Za flips through it: it is filled with names of Zelophiles.) 

ZA: Now, let the distribution begin! After all, I'll have to top seven blushes next time Zel-kun comes over to play...   
  


–end...for the moment, at least–

   [1]: mailto:ZaMetallium@aol.com



End file.
